Reuniting With an Old Friend

The last 3 1/2 months it has been one night followed by the next of unimaginable loneliness. As I lay here at 1 AM, I feel at peace and that reason is I finally after 23 years of being angry with God, have reunited and found a new best friend. The crazy part is that while I left him, he never left my side and until I became sick, I was too ignorant to see all of the blessings around me that God put in front of me.

August 20, 2003 my brother - my best friend and my mentor - was taken from me in a car accident. Ever since that night I have been angry at God, dismissive of his presence and even to the point of thinking for years there is no God. Was this the right way to live my life? The right way to think? I don’t know and I didn’t care because I had said to myself I’m gonna do this on my own. Little did I know that one small prayer in the ICU in a hospital in East Tennessee would lead me back to God‘s love, his grace and his forgiveness.

Listen, this chapter and the last make me may sound like I’m some sort of martyr or telling others how to live their life. That is the exact opposite of why I’m writing this. I’m writing this to share my journey and if it helps others along the way, then that’s amazing, but if it doesn’t, that’s OK too.

After two months and four trips to the emergency room and not feeling or getting any better I thought to myself - what is the point of this? Why is nothing improving? I thought these thoughts every night and guess what? There was no answer. In a lot of ways there still aren’t any answers to those questions, but that’s just the nature of this disease. However, after the third night of crying myself to sleep in the intensive care unit, I finally gave in and dropped to my knees and asked God for help. I had not realistically prayed since I was a child and I didn’t even know how to do it. It started with selfish asks such as “God get rid of this disease now, make the pain go away now, free me from this hell now.” Well, I came to find out that while this was a good start, It’s not the way to go about it. I reached out to others like my father, some spiritual individuals in my life that I had always said were just religious people - as if that’s some sort of bad thing. And all of them shared with me the same sentiment. God works in mysterious ways, but you have to know that. Regardless of it all, his greatest gift is love and that he never leaves your side. You do not walk this road alone.

During this journey, someone once told me that love is God and God is love, and that could not be more true. This person also said something very interesting, that trust in God is as simple as holding out both hands and saying God I can carry the weight of what’s in my right hand, but I need help carrying the weight of what lies in my left hand. It took me a while to try to understand what that meant, but I understand it to mean it’s OK to ask for help. The other thing I heard in that conversation that may have been the most powerful was “sometimes you’re not gonna like his answers but if you’re in a dumpster fire, God isn’t going to just pull you out of the dumpster fire and save you. He’s gonna jump in the dumpster with you and make sure you get out.” What powerful words, what a message, and that’s when it started happening. I started to see his gifts all around me and the angels that he put in my life.

At this time, I was still, technically, working and having to call my boss on Sunday evenings and say that I’m checking into the emergency room again and I don’t know when I’m getting out. I didn’t tell anyone besides my mother and my father about my illness, which looking back was a horrible mistake and probably the reason why I’m writing this today. No one walks this path alone and what is the point of having loved ones if you can’t lean on them in times of trial. So back to God‘s gifts and the angels that he placed in my life. I finally mustered up the courage to tell my boss what was going on and that this was gonna be a long road to recovery. I thought because I’d missed so many days out sick they had every right to let me walk because, come on, who pays for someone not to work. Not only was I completely wrong, but my boss sprung into action and immediately set up a meeting to get me on medical leave. He then introduced me to transplant survivors, different doctors, nurses and specialist around town. I began to meet these strangers who were not only willing to meet with me, but were genuinely excited to meet me out of the goodness of their heart. They were all incredible and I have made friends for life. They all shared the same message “I’m so lucky to be here, I was given a second chance at life and my mission is to pass that forward as long as long as I live”. The other thing they all said is “you are gonna have some of the loneliest nights of your life.” What your parents and your friends who love you and want to help have in common is, they really fully can’t understand the pain and misery you’re going through unless they have actually been through this process. The one person who can understand is God and we can lean on him. He will always be there for you and like I mentioned earlier, it may not happen immediately. He will help you walk through this valley. Without these people - that I met through friends of friends of friends and who I will refer to going forward as my angels - showed me was that God was working and he was working overtime to make sure that I knew I was not alone.

Forgive any typos as I was never the best at spelling - lol and it’s late. I wish all of you a merry Christmas and I hope you were able to find joy with your family and loved ones and cherish all of the moments that come with it.

Song of the day

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eJ4i-QbXG54&list=RDeJ4i-QbXG54&start_radio=1